What does it mean to be human?
A question that many philosophers, scientists, and possible alien invaders have asked (only kidding about the alien part).
And a question I found myself pondering over recently. But not to necessarily understand the world around me or decide what made humans different from any other creature. I was asking this question because I was afraid I was becoming less and less so.
Less and less human.
Because of my faith. Or rather the false narratives my religious and rule-based, performance-based being had been telling me. To be clear, I don’t think that being Christian or having faith in God makes you less human. In fact, I believe it might actually help us make sense of it or lean into it a bit more.
But because of the lies and false narratives I was believing, all I could see was what I thought being a Christian ‘needed’ to be. Perfect, always joyful, always walking perfectly in God’s plan, never making a ‘wrong’ choice, doing all the ‘right’ things like quiet time, Bible reading, praying, church, etc….I could go on. And what this created in me was fear—of making any decision, of the thoughts I had—guilt, and a much less authentic version of myself. Especially as I navigated and continue to navigate living with depression.
I recently saw a line on the back of Toni Collier’s book, Brave Enough to Be Broken, that I thought was so simple yet so profound. It said: “Many of us feel the pressure to be perfect, but what we really want is the freedom to be broken.” And I possibly had never related to anything more in my life in that moment.
In my battles with depression, passive suicide ideation, chronic fatigue, anxiety and OCD, struggling spiritually and with my relationship with God…I just wanted the permission to be broken. I knew I didn’t need that permission from anyone but I just wanted someone to look me in the eye and say “it’s okay to be broken.” Even, and especially, as a Christian.
During a particularly difficult time, I started writing a lot of poems. And one poem held one of my favorite lines I’ve written. Maybe ever. “Sometimes I feel like moving on, leaving, never looking back. Like if I ever got permission, I’d just keep on running ’til the road ran black.”
Permission. Broken. Freedom.
That’s what I wanted. To be human. More than what I thought being a ‘Christian’ looked like.
And so I wrestled. With what it meant to be human. With what it meant to be Christian. With how I could sanely live both. This is / was far from easy because you see my mind also has a tendency to be black and white. I’m either this or that…never both.
But what I began to find is that these weren’t either/or things that conflicted each other. These were two identities that complemented each other, each making the other both more crucial and beautiful. A gray area that will take some time and a lot of grace to learn to live in.
To Be Human
The Bible has some stuff to say on humanity. Things like being made in the image and likeness of God (Genesis 1:27). Being made to rule and reign (Genesis 1:26 and Revelation 5:10). Sinful and fallen short of the glory of God (Romans 3:23, Romans5:8)—in other words, imperfect.
To be human is to be complex. To be a beautiful chaos of physical, mental, emotional, relational, vocational, spiritual. To have needs and be in-need. Food, water, sleep; friendship and fellowship with others who truly know us and love us; a purpose to keep us going; outlets for hobbies and creativity; mental and emotional stimulation. The list goes on.
To Be Christian
The Bible also has quite a bit to say about Christians. We are saved by grace through faith (Ephesians 2:8-9); a new creation (2 Corinthians 5:17); given Christ’s righteousness (2 Corinthians 5:21); a temple for the Holy Spirit (1 Corinthians 6:19) who is the guarantee of our inheritance in Heaven (Ephesians 1:13-14); children of God (John 1:12). We are becoming more and more like Christ every day (2 Corinthians 3:18).
But sometimes I think we forget the complexity of being a Christian. Not because we have to jump through hoops to get there (coming to God while it might not be easy is simple). But because we are still in fact humans. Becoming or being a Christian is not just spiritual like I sometimes think it is. We are still multi-faceted.
Can You Be Both?
So clearly you can be both. And those of us who have confessed with our mouths that Jesus is Lord and believe in our hearts that God raised Him from the dead (Romans 10:9, 13) are both. But what are we to do with that?
Looking at Scripture, there are only 2 true humans we see both sides for—Adam and Eve. We see who they were as God created them and the life He intended for us humans to originally have in paradise (Genesis 1:26 – Genesis 2). And even though they were not technically Christ followers as Christ had not come down to earth yet, who Adam and Eve were before the fall is pretty darn similar to who we now are in Christ. Then, we also see them after they eat of the forbidden fruit, thus creating the “fall” that made humanity today, well, humanity today (Genesis 3).
And I personally think one of the key differences lies in one little verse. Genesis 2:25….“Adam and his wife were naked, and they felt no shame.”
Now I don’t think God is telling us solely about body shame here, although that certainly can be part of it. But rather that before the fall, we had no reason to feel guilty or ashamed—of our actions, our thoughts, our bodies, our past, our struggles, our incompetence, our imperfections, the parts we deem unloveable. It’s not that Adam and Eve were perfect, they were not (don’t confuse the innocent, sinless state before the fall as perfect). Nor did they know exactly what they were doing—heck you don’t see God giving much instruction to the two in the Garden. But rather they didn’t have to worry about messing up.
They had room to fail. To get it wrong. To not be perfect.
Sadly for me, and probably many others, the thing that allows us to not be ashamed when we fail, get it wrong, or aren’t perfect as humans (i.e. Christianity and a relationship with God) is the exact thing that causes us shame for doing those things. As a Christian, I know I’m not perfect. Because of Christ, I am holy and blameless before the Lord. Accepted by God. As a human, I don’t have to be; in fact, if I was, I wouldn’t need Christ. Yet, I just can’t find it in me to cut myself some slack for simply being who I am….
Human.
It’s hard to live like that. Nearly impossible at times. To know in my head that I’m fully known, loved, and accepted for who I am in Christ not what I do for Him. And yet to constantly be stressed, feel bad about yourself, and wrestle/fight in your mind because you can’t read the Bible, pray, sit still for quiet time, or enjoy church or worship music like you used to. Because you have thoughts of doubting and questioning. Because you were in fact hopeless at times, even as a Christian. Because you felt broken…and somewhere along the way you got it in your mind that Christian’s shouldn’t and can’t be broken.
I even wrote in another journal entry once: “I don’t think I’m a bad friend, coworker, sister, daughter, etc. So why do I think I’m a bad Kristyn simply because I think I’m a bad Christian?”
To Be Both
The simple truth is: I want to be both. Not that I’m not already, but I want to believe (and accept) deep in my soul that I’m both. I want to embrace my humanity…yet not ignore my Christianity. To have a more true and realistic view of what being a Christian is.
It’s not perfection; it’s not never making wrong or bad choices. It’s embracing what it means to be human, to be broken.
My humanity says I’m broken, my Christianity doesn’t need to refute that, it says that in my brokenness, God works best.
What I’ve seemed to have learned in all of this is that maybe to embrace my humanity is to discover my true, God-crafted and loved nature and set myself free in the process.
I want to hold both my human-nature reality and my Christian becoming wrapped up in one person, one life. Me. Because if I only live in one, I’m not really living. Not really free.
If I only live in my religious viewpoint of Christianity, I force myself to do everything right and be perfect and be exactly like Christ all for the sake of being a “new creation”. But I don’t allow room for the fact that I am still a human. If God wanted us to be perfect, He would’ve made it so we became that way when we accepted Christ. But how does a ‘perfect’ person reflect Christ? We wouldn’t need to reflect, we’d already be. How does a non-believer relate to a ‘perfect’ person in Christ? They don’t. Instead, God allows us to stay in our humanity yet have the power of the Holy Spirit living within us to slowly transform us every single day towards Christ until they day we meet Him face to face.
But if I live only in my humanity, I also will stay paralyzed in and ashamed of my brokenness. I won’t have hope for who I am becoming and will eventually be in Heaven.
Because the truth is, I think the enemy wants us to either be ashamed of our brokenness or act like it’s not there. Either way we see it as a burden, a weakness, something to hide. But what if our strength comes from fully embracing said brokenness? Imagine the power we would have if we embraced our brokenness, surrendered it to God, and watched Him use us and our brokenness to bring His Kingdom down to earth.
Still Human
As humans, we are made in the image and likeness of God. As believers (Christians), we are becoming more and more like Christ as God works in, on, and through us. But being like God or like Christ, is the goal, not the reality. Not until Heaven. The goal will be complete one day (Philippians 1:6, Romans 8:18). Just not today.
Today…well, today, we’re still human. Broken, messy, imperfect and incomplete humans.
And you know what? Maybe today, and every today after until we get to Heaven, that’s okay. That’s enough.
Scratch that, it’s definitely enough.
