Well, it’s been a while…9+ months to be exact. And to be honest, I wasn’t planning on returning any time soon. Not because I didn’t want to (I do and have for a while, which has made this even more frustrating) but because with everything I’ve been dealing with the past 18 months, I felt like I had nothing to give of this gift I’ve been given. But just a few days ago, I felt like God put writing back on my heart. So…hey y’all! 👋
Now, the thing is, this isn’t going to be easy to write. Not only because it’s hard to put my struggles out for everyone to read / see, but also because I’m still in this struggle. I’m not writing from a place of looking back and moving forward, but one of sitting in the middle of some really hard stuff. As humans, I think we have a tendency to only want to tell our stories when we’re standing victorious on the other side, when we’ve made it through the fire, when we’re on the blooming side of being pruned. Don’t get me wrong, those are powerful stories to tell! But they’re also not the only ones worth telling. I hope and pray that this gives you the courage to tell yours, even if you’re not through it yet.
Some back story. Back in February 2021, I was diagnosed with chronic severe depression. (No, this is not the struggle I’ll be talking about today but I do want to open up / write about it over the coming months). This lasted for about 17 months until end of June 2022 when I started to experience relief and light at the end of the tunnel. Praise God! (side note, going back and editing this a few weeks later, unfortunately, it seems that my depression has started to come back. Only wanted to that for honesty!)
Fast forward 5 weeks, and I was hit with crippling anxiety. And it scared me; crushed me even. I felt like I had finally seen and gotten to the light at the end of the tunnel with depression only to have it taken away and be thrown back into utter darkness with this anxiety. I will say, I know part of what caused/is causing it but for privacy will not be sharing about it at this point — but I am working through it with God, my therapist, and trusted friends.
This anxiety started out small and slow. Small disturbances in appetite and energy levels (which considering I’ve been struggling with extreme daily fatigue and exhaustion for 15 months now, it didn’t really seem like much). A little more worry, overthinking, and restless mind here and there. But that’s the problem, when it starts small, you don’t even really notice it until it’s dumped on you like those big water buckets at water parks (you know what I’m talking about). That’s where I found myself 8ish weeks ago.
Sobbing into my bowl of oatmeal at breakfast and plate of food at lunch, out of nowhere. An appetite that was nearly nonexistent. Either I wasn’t hungry, I was hungry but everything sounded disgusting, or I could only get 5 bites into my meal before being unable to eat any more. And, as some of you may know, with my past consisting of an eating disorder, this made it even more difficult to choose recovery and continue pursuing a healthy relationship with food. With all of that, I think I finally hit rock bottom about 5-6 weeks ago.
It was a Thursday, a favorite day as I have my therapy session and church Life Group that day — both which I love! But as I was explaining and discussing my anxiety with my therapist, and hearing her pour Biblical wisdom, advice, and encouragement over me, I was on the verge of tears the entire time. Side note–I am still a huge work in progress when it comes to showing my emotions. I’ve put in a lot of work to be able to express them, but it’s still really difficult to show others them. Then, I go to Life Group and feel on the verge of tears due to overthinking all night, so much so I could barely focus. And as the girls in my breakout group were praying over me, I was once again battling the tears threatening to spill over my closed eyes. That night, I burst out into sobs as soon as I got home which continued as I got ready for bed and sat in bed praying. I finally calmed down for a few minutes before sob-crying myself to sleep that night.
The next day, Friday, was even worse. I no-joke burst into gut-wrenching sobs at least 8 times if not more. The anxiety had moved from the original cause into so much anxiety about all the good things in my life and my future. When my mom, who was coming over that night to be with me, asked me what I wanted for dinner so she could pick it up (due to my appetite thing mentioned above) and not knowing what sounded good or what I wanted caused even more anxiety and sobbing. I’m not kidding y’all, I was a mess.
But God, in His complete and utter goodness, knew exactly where I would need to be and who I would need to connect with in this time. You see, 5 weeks before the anxiety started, I joined a new church and young adult life group, and in that short amount of time, I had felt so loved and seen by the people in the group and gotten to know so many of girls pretty well. I felt close to them despite not knowing them long. 3 days after I had hit the low of lows in this battle, I headed out of town for a work trip where I got to really connect with some of my coworkers and open up about what I was struggling with.
And that was the whole intended purpose of me writing this. I wanted to share the Truths, encouragements, prayers, and wisdom I’ve received over the last few weeks with y’all. Some apply to anxiety / fear, but many can be applied to any struggle or battle in your life. I hope and pray you can receive these words even if you feel like you can’t, and that the Spirit would move through these words to bring you the peace and comfort that only He can.
- A coworker shared with me a powerful story she used to teach women at a conference/retreat thing. She brought in a plant and pruned it way back, so much so that it seemed the plant had nothing left. But she took care of what little amount was left, and 2. weeks, it was blooming beautifully. Sometimes we focus so much on what’s been pruned that we forget all that can be done with what’s still left. We have to be rooted to be pruned; and we have to be pruned to bloom.
- One friend texted me with the encouragement to worship, even if for just one song, because worship and fear cannot exist at same time
- One of my coworkers shared a mantra she uses to live which is “to be present in what prayed for.” Many of the things I have now are things I’ve prayed for either verbally or quietly in my heart. It may be hard but I can still be present.
- Another friend prayed powerfully that anxiety would not take root in my mind or heart. A comfort that anxiety (or other struggles) may still be there but it doesn’t have to take root nor control me.
- And yet another friend gave me the important reminder that I don’t have to have it all figured out (or even some of it). God will help me figure it out, one step at a time. I don’t always have to be looking to the next thing and trying to wish for, worry about, or prepare for it. I can be where I am here and now.
- Another Truth: anxiety’s job is to spy and tell worst of worst. Kind of like the men who came back and reported the horrors of the land God had promised His people (Numbers 13).
- I saw this one on Instagram somewhere. But essentially when we worry about the future or a future bad situation, if it happens, we experience the pain/bad feelings twice when we didn’t need to. And if it doesn’t happen, we put ourselves through that pain for nothing.
I had so many other prayers and people reaching out, which made me feel so loved! Very grateful for that.
I wish I could sit here and tell y’all that having heard, received, and prayed through all these things has completely healed and changed me. That the anxiety is gone and abundant peace overflows my life and mind. But that’s not the case. Things are definitely better than my rock-bottom moment a few weeks ago, and for that I praise God. I also praise God for the fact that He has never once left my side or been ashamed at me for what I’m struggling with.
And the exact same thing applies to you. God has never once left your side or been mad, upset, or ashamed at you for what you’re going through.
I know that’s one thing that really frustrates me, is that deep down I know these things and I KNOW that God is control and He is good. Yet daily I’m struggling to release control, trust God, and live like I truly believe these things that I know I do. And you know what? I’m learning to be okay with that. To let go of the lies that hold me down and say that the fact that I’m struggling with this means I don’t trust God, my faith isn’t strong enough, or that something is wrong with me. Because the truth is, I trust God, God is faithful forever, and He calls me His perfect, holy, beloved daughter. There is abundant grace being poured out by the God who deeply knows and loves me (and you!).
Like I said at the beginning, as humans we like to tell our stories when we’re standing victorious on the other side. But I think when we tell our story while we’re in the middle of the struggle, that itself gives us victory, strength and courage. It proclaims to the enemy that who are choosing to believe who God says we are and who God is, even when life is hard. And let us never forget, that we are not fighting our battles for victory but rather from a place of victory. Yes, while you are in the middle of the hardest fight of your life, even there you stand victorious.
So today I live. I know I’ll likely wrestle with God in my quiet time, babble on in prayer as I actively surrender my overthinking, face anxiety and fear head on, and at some point, ‘fail’ at one or more of these. I’m not on the other side of this, some days I don’t even feel close. BUT I am learning to lean on God every step of the way. To let go of needing the perfect verse or prayer to repeat to make my anxiety disappear. To live with not having the answers or path to healing. To be okay with struggling. To trust God to walk with me through the struggles.
And today? Today, that will be enough.
